In the past two years I have changed a lot. This change was made by my falling on my face to find a great trial that I hope will come to an end so I can start a new one... along with this change many things about me have been altered.
I'm really quiet, I'm way nicer to people, I value God's forgiveness as well as people's a lot more, I stay calm in tense situations... all in all, everything is better, however, I look back on myself and feel shame... I wouldn't obsess with this but I have done damage to things I value still -friendships, and other things that seems hopeless... Very hopeless , and I hope to one day make it all alright. But I know I can not do it alone. I need prayer for strength in my trials, and for a better new beginning in the many things.
some people have told me to forgive myself and just move on, but this sticks to me and I for some reason fight. I can not forgive me, I will not.
these changes were not the very best ones to some people I'm afraid. My parents at times dislike how easy going I am. I dress a little different -not immorally at all- and now I'm pushed around mentally by them. It's okay, they're my parents and they care. But I need to be able to weather that storm.
College stress is VERY troublesome to me, I need to be able to better organize myself, I need the state of mind that is best for all of it. I know this is possible, my friends are somehow able to get it done, unlike me.
God though all of this bad has brought blessings, new lessons in friendship, and knowing Him. God has a plan for me, I know, I have been told many times and nearly every church I've visited, the same things...
I ask for prayer that I will receive more guidance.
I also have a new problem along with all of these things. I have actually wanted pain to dull away my emotional pain, I'm not one to do cutting, or anything else. it's just I know this thought is evil, and needs to stop.
I feel like almost anything I do will be a mistake, that someone will dislike me more, even for this? I do not know. "I wish everything would stay, the same as yesterday." ... that quote runs though my mind all the time. . . but, it's not going to be the same as before, I can't go back in time. That's why I'm asking for prayer for the strength I need... I'm still learning, changeling, growing, going though the trials. I feel like I can't be helped now.
I'm really quiet, I'm way nicer to people, I value God's forgiveness as well as people's a lot more, I stay calm in tense situations... all in all, everything is better, however, I look back on myself and feel shame... I wouldn't obsess with this but I have done damage to things I value still -friendships, and other things that seems hopeless... Very hopeless , and I hope to one day make it all alright. But I know I can not do it alone. I need prayer for strength in my trials, and for a better new beginning in the many things.
some people have told me to forgive myself and just move on, but this sticks to me and I for some reason fight. I can not forgive me, I will not.
these changes were not the very best ones to some people I'm afraid. My parents at times dislike how easy going I am. I dress a little different -not immorally at all- and now I'm pushed around mentally by them. It's okay, they're my parents and they care. But I need to be able to weather that storm.
College stress is VERY troublesome to me, I need to be able to better organize myself, I need the state of mind that is best for all of it. I know this is possible, my friends are somehow able to get it done, unlike me.
God though all of this bad has brought blessings, new lessons in friendship, and knowing Him. God has a plan for me, I know, I have been told many times and nearly every church I've visited, the same things...
I ask for prayer that I will receive more guidance.
I also have a new problem along with all of these things. I have actually wanted pain to dull away my emotional pain, I'm not one to do cutting, or anything else. it's just I know this thought is evil, and needs to stop.
I feel like almost anything I do will be a mistake, that someone will dislike me more, even for this? I do not know. "I wish everything would stay, the same as yesterday." ... that quote runs though my mind all the time. . . but, it's not going to be the same as before, I can't go back in time. That's why I'm asking for prayer for the strength I need... I'm still learning, changeling, growing, going though the trials. I feel like I can't be helped now.
