Frustration and dejection

[RedMage]

Since the thing I made reference to here, I've pretty much been a wreck. The pain is terrible. I keep, I don't know, sort of looking to God and saying, "I thought I did what you wanted, why don't you make it better now?" But it doesn't get better. I know my attitude is all wrong, I know I need to be more willing and cheerful in my obedience, but it's so hard.

Nobody understands why I did what I did. Well, I shouldn't say nobody; my dad is the only one I've told, and he sure doesn't understand. He's trying to be supportive, but he doesn't like seeing my so upset and he thinks I brought it on myself because he doesn't see why God would have told me what I thought/think He told me. And there's nobody else I can talk to about it, except my youth pastor next Friday, and if he doesn't get it either I think it'll just kill me. If I told all of you about it in detail, I guarantee many if not most of you wouldn't understand at all. I don't understand much myself. On one hand, I want somebody to talk me into thinking I made a mistake because I never wanted to do what I did in the first place. On the other hand, I don't think in my heart it was the wrong decision and even if I changed my mind I don't see any way to "fix" things.

Anyway, this has made me pretty much completely listless and unmotivated, and now is kind of a critical time for me school-wise. Getting anything done is a huge struggle. Everything seems to pointless. And I've started questioning what my motives are for all of my goals and desires, whether they're just what I want or what God wants for me.

There's a way of thinking I could allow myself to adopt, a hope I could cherish, that might make things a little better, a kind of crutch I could lean on. But I'm trying desperately not to because it probably isn't healthy for me, I could just get hurt even more in the future.

Um...yeah, I need prayer really bad. Wow, maybe I should have just posted that and spared us all the rambling.

[Tenshi no Ai]

I'm quite curious as what it was that you did now... I'm open to PM if you'd like, but since you've only told one person thus far I can understand it being something quite personally. But still, even if I don't know what it is, I'll be praying...

[Ryupower]

I'll pray.