Bro, don't. There's no need. The only sacrifice for sin you ever need has already been made - Jesus on the cross. It's a permanent thing. Confess your sins and you will be forgiven. You don't need to (and can't) atone for your sins yourself.
"The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming - not the realities themseles. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would ahve been cleased once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins, because it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins."
If outright killing animals couldn't make up for sins, how can setting aside something God gave you? And the the thing is, there's no need.
Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God. Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."
You know you've done wrong, you want to stop and are sorry for what you've done and you're confessing - that's what I understand repentance to be. And it's the combination of repentance and Jesus' sacrifice that brings forgiveness. You had the guts to tell this to us - now tell it to God.
And you shouldn't be setting aside your gift - if God gave it to you, I'm guessing He wants you to have it and use it. You did your own avatar? I'd say you've got some talent there (nice face shape/features). Don't waste it! Use it as our God wants you to!
As for still having those thoughts, I'd say that's pretty natural. As far as I know, our brains work by repetition. Memories are stored, I think, as pathways and connections burnt into the surface of our brain by tiny electrical currents. The more we think about something, the deeper the pathways get and the easier it is to remember - which is totally cool when you're trying to learn school stuff/drawing techniques/etc, but less cool when you're trying NOT to think about something. If you've been looking at stuff like that for a while, I'm not surprised the thoughts are still there. But there's good news too - the less you think about something, the less those pathways get reformed. We can forget. Even better news, God created the earth - don't you think He could help you erase those memories? Ask Him.
And if you're having trouble looking at people, try to focus on the faces and expressions (though not too hard! Don't wanna creep people out by starin' 'em down!). Making eye contact shows you're paying attention, but can get very intimidating, so be fixated about it. Relax. Be casual. If you're uptight and worried about other things, it generally shows and makes a bad impression. Remember - you don't HAVE anything to worry about. Be joyful and grateful. What sort of job are you hoping for?
I've already prayed and will keep praying for you. Don't give up - Paul used to persecute Christians and even stood by minding the clothes of those who killed Stephen. But he was forgiven - so can you be. If you tried to do this alone, it'd probably be impossible. But as Jesus said, "What is impossible for man is possible with God". You're already turning to back God, so don't stop! However dark and icky things may have been, you
are on the right track again.
Now, I've got to scoot to work (see, if I - who used to have problems looking at people, do dumb things with pointy objects and generally be lazy and permanently unorganised - could land a job, don't think you can't!). I really hope this helps. Not to be crude about it, but I expect you to be alive when I get home again.
Love and God bless,
Piney.
