Dealing with more issues...

[mysngoeshere56]

Hey everybody. I'm just here to share what's been on my heart lately, and ask for prayer... I know the things I need to do, and I could just use some prayer and words of encouragement from my brothers and sisters in Christ...

A few weeks ago, I went in for another session with my counselor. We talked about a bunch of things I've been going through, and after this session, I've pretty much given up hope on him helping me.

I told him about how I've honestly wanted to go to a different church for years now. I don't feel like I'm plugged in at my church, but since we can't afford a new car or for more than one person to drive, my mom's my only method of transportation. But, my mom can't leave the church because she'll lose her job if she does (she works at the private school affiliated with the church, which I attended)... I told him about the things I went through, and how other kids treated me terribly. I told him that I tried to get plugged in, but couldn't. I said that I even went over to the youth pastor once to talk to him about it, and he just said "it doesn't matter if 500 people at this church hate you, you should be here for God and not people." And my counselor actually said that was a GOOD point.

I then decided to stand my ground. Got a tiny bit defensive with him about it, but it was because I knew that it wasn't a good point at all... I said that honestly, it's not a good point. As a Christian, God is always with me. I can get Him anywhere I go. I could just be laying down in my bed praying while I fall asleep, and He's listening. Church, on the other hand, is about the family of Christ. We're in church to fellowship with other believers. That's what God intended for church to be like. If a true believer is hated by those who claim to be part a church, then there's something not right going on...

I then told him about how I've always been the wallflower, and he said that it's because of how I dress. He said that when one compares to my method of dress to a "clean-cut shirt-and-tie" dude, they're obviously going to listen to the professional looking guy. He says that's why he dresses the way he does. I told him that honestly, it's different with youth because nobody dresses like that and he works at the church so he *has* to look professional anyway. And honestly, the youth pastors don't even dress like that. They just wear jeans and a t-shirt.

Besides, I don't want people to like me for somebody I'm not. I'm not the clean-cut type. I was forced to be when I was in private school for years, and I always hated it... I said that I honestly don't want to change for other people. I want them to love me for who I am. His exact response: "things don't work that way".

I also told him that the goth look doesn't cause people to hate me. The bullying at school and church actually lowered after I started dressing goth outside of class, because everybody either thought I was awesome for wearing what I wanted to wear and not caring about what everybody else thought or they just got tired of picking on me. And I even felt the same way when I was a little kid, wearing cute little outfits all the time... Besides, my clothing obviously wasn't the cause of bullying while at school, because we all wore the same thing (private school = uniforms). I mean, I can understand having to look "professional" for job interviews, or at work, and things like that... But at church and while just hanging out? I should be able to be myself and be integrated.

I've talked this through with some friends of mine and other adults I look up to, and they completely agree with me. One family friend of mine used to be a public school teacher, and she said that he's totally wrong about me having to change my clothes for people to be my friends. She said that a few years ago, she had one student who dressed all 80's, which may sound totally geeky to most, but she was never viewed that way. She had her group of friends, and everybody loved her for being unique. This is the case with me - the few people who love me and actually make me feel integrated (none of which are other goth kids) know me for my own unique style, and think it makes me special.

I've tried dressing differently a few times. I was even on a trip overseas with a group of kids a few years ago, and didn't wear anything gothic (not even nail polish), but they still did their best to alienate me no matter how many times I tried to be nice to them. Stuff like that never changes how other people treat me there... So, it's obviously not my clothes. It's just them and how they view me, and that happened years before I got into goth clothing. I'd say it mostly started way back in elementary school, because I learned/thought differently from all the other kids and had a really critical teacher who thought I was mentally disabled because of it (and trust me - she wasn't afraid to say so). After the kids saw her treat me that way, she pretty much opened a window for them to do it too. :-/ And they did, for pretty much the rest of my years at school, save for the very few kids who reached out to me and became life-long friends... To those few kids, I am forever grateful to and thank God for.

My counselor told me that he honestly doesn't think he can help me anymore and if I don't start showing signs of progress soon, he'll pass me on to somebody else. But... *sigh* Honestly, I thought this was my issue before. But, after talking with other people about this, they're pretty much telling me that I'm right and they're wrong. :-/ I just need to find somebody else to give me counseling, but I really can't afford to pay anybody and my current counselor works for free... And if I leave the church, he says he'll have a problem seeing me because he only sees people from this church. But if you ask me, if he really cared, he'd want to see me no matter what...

To top it all off, the fact that Father's Day is coming up really doesn't help. I don't really like to talk about my sperm donor (as I call him, because that's all he is to me), but I'll go ahead and say that he's a very rude and selfish guy... He and his family think they can do anything they want to my mom and me, and then we'll just accept them back with open arms when they return, even though they're never repentant. :-/ They've caused my mom and me a lot of heartache and tension. I don't even go by his last name anymore, because he's never done anything that's made him worth viewing him as a parent figure. I've now taken on my mom's last name, and will be doing so legally once I have the money for it.

But on a positive note, I've decided to check out new churches. A friend of mine left the church a few months ago, and I decided to check out his new church because a few of his friends (who I already knew) left with him and I've also met a few people from his new church before (once during a Christmas party at his house, and another time at his graduation party). My mom figured she could take one Sunday off to drive me there, so she did. I decided to experiment to see how I'd be treated if I wore my typical goth stuff, so I wore it while visiting the church... And everybody who spoke with me treated me very nicely. They accepted me with open arms, even the ones who were older and would be expected to look down on somebody dressed like me. So, I'm thinking I'll try this church again... We're working on a system that'll get me there on a weekly basis.

Mostly, I'm just asking for prayer for wisdom when I face my counselor again, so I can tell him about how I honestly feel about what he said. I don't want to lose my temper with him, but I don't want to be a pushover and constantly get "help" from somebody who's honestly just making everything worse... :-/ And, I'd also like some prayer for comfort with the upcoming holiday.

To anybody who's read this post entirely (I know, I went on for awhile - sorry), I truly thank you for your time. And to those who send their prayers, encouragement, and blessings, my thanks to you as well. God bless.

- Sno

[Atria35]

Praying for you. And praying for the counselor, because I really hope God shows him how his attitude isn't a good one >.>

I hope that this new church works out. It's terrible when one doesn't open it's arms like people need.

[Okami]

Shall be praying. As a person going into counseling, I'd have to agree with Atria. His attitude sounds rather disheartened somehow.

[Darth_Kirby]

Dito what Atria and Okami said.

[TopazRaven]

I'll be praying for you Sno (do you mind if I call you that?) I hope this causes you no offense, but to put it simply your counselor sounds like a real jerk and he really shouldn't be in this line of buisness if he can't do his job properly. He isn't helping anyone with that kind of attitude. I know, I know, as a Christian we aren't supposed to look down on/judge/say mean things about other people, but I'm sorry, people like this guy seriously make me angry. I'm going to be another person who tells you that you were right and he was not. I'm very glad you didn't back down and told him what was on your mind. Don't let his words discourage you. Meanwhile, I wish you the best of luck with the new church and I really hope things get better for you soon.

[MrKrillz0r]

People who look down on you 'cuz of how you dress isn't real friends, isn't the inside what matters.. or have I missed something? I wouldn't let anything that guy said get to my heart, I'm glad he didn't fool you with his talk at least.

Stick to your real friends, ignore what people say and think about you and focus on God instead, He see you for who you are, at not for the clothes you wear. And I hope everything will end up alright with the new church.

[mysngoeshere56]

Thank you for your prayers and encouraging words, everybody. It's nice to know that you guys have me in prayer and care for me, even though I don't see you all in real life. I'll be sure to keep you posted on what happens... It's definitely up in the air at this point. :-/

Oh and Topaz - yeah, you can call me Sno if you want to.

[TheMewster]

Prayed! You sure need prayers. Don't have much advice except to try to go to that church you tried out more often, but I can give you a hug!

[ChristianKitsune]

Wow, that's really rough... I'm so sorry you were treated that way by someone who claims to be helping people through the ministry. Honestly, this kind of church seems really out of focus with who Jesus was. (I mean he ministered to everyone, not just people in a certain clique based on how they looked etc...)

I'm praying for ya, maybe God is leading you away from this church for a reason. Perhaps he's got a wonderful accepting place where you'll get the fellowship you need.

Here's a friendly reminder when you do find a new place to visit: Smile when you meet new people, it helps break the ice!

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Praying for you. And praying for the counselor, because I really hope God shows him how his attitude isn't a good one >.>

I'll be praying for you Sno (do you mind if I call you that?) I hope this causes you no offense, but to put it simply your counselor sounds like a real jerk and he really shouldn't be in this line of buisness if he can't do his job properly.

First off, I mean absolutely no disrespect to either you guys nor the OP. But let me explain what's happening. I'm not going to discredit the possibility of maybe the counselor being a jerk, but what is more likely the case is something better for mysn's end.

In the counseling profession, the counselor is under an ethical obligation to do what he or she, in their professional opinion, thinks is best for the client. Often times this can include a referral to transfer to a different counselor. Now he or she could simply be "pawning" you off, but more likely than not the reason why he or she is doing so is because they do not feel competent enough to counsel you through your situation. As such, the ethical thing for them to do is to refer you. Because if they feel that they aren't capable of helping you, then they -- for the benefit of the client -- are supposed to refer you to someone else whom they deem more capable and competent. Holding you when you're not getting the help you need is an unethical practice on their part. So it's not that he is saying you are beyond help, but rather your counselor is acknowledging his or her own limitations in practice and telling you so. All this for what they deem best for you.

Now according to what you said, mysn. I don't care too much for his way of bringing it up. And the whole "only church-members" thing I dislike too (but I can see why. A lot of churches are like this). But understand that (and I am giving your counselor some benefit of the doubt) that he's not trying to be a big jerk to you (At least I truly truly TRULY hope he's not). Granted I also don't know the whole story. But I'm simply explaining why counselors sometimes cancel professional relationships and refer clients to someone else.

That being said, your pastor annoys me. Be who you are! Only you can decide your own identity! I hope everything goes well. In time this will pass. Are you going to college soon?

[mysngoeshere56]

First off, I mean absolutely no disrespect to either you guys nor the OP. But let me explain what's happening. I'm not going to discredit the possibility of maybe the counselor being a jerk, but what is more likely the case is something better for mysn's end.

In the counseling profession, the counselor is under an ethical obligation to do what he or she, in their professional opinion, thinks is best for the client. Often times this can include a referral to transfer to a different counselor. Now he or she could simply be "pawning" you off, but more likely than not the reason why he or she is doing so is because they do not feel competent enough to counsel you through your situation. As such, the ethical thing for them to do is to refer you. Because if they feel that they aren't capable of helping you, then they -- for the benefit of the client -- supposed to refer you to someone else whom they deem more capable and competent. Holding you when you're not getting the help you need is an unethical practice on their part. So it's not that he is saying you are beyond help, but rather your counselor is acknowledging his or her own limitations in practice and telling you so. All this for what they deem best for you.

Now according to what you said, mysn. I don't care too much for his way of bringing it up. And the whole "only church-members" thing I dislike too (but I can see why. A lot of churches are like this). But understand that (and I am giving your counselor some benefit of the doubt) that he's not trying to be a big jerk to you (At least I truly truly TRULY he's not). Granted I also don't know the whole story. But I'm simply explaining why counselors sometimes cancel professional relationships and refer clients to someone else.

That being said, your pastor annoys me. Be who you are! Only you can decide your own identity! I hope everything goes well. In time this will pass. Are you going to college soon?

I think this is his reason for possibly transferring. He's questioning if he's helping me (which, he should be >_>), so he's thinking he should send me to somebody else. This, I don't have an issue with.

I've already tried the person he typically refers people to, though. She seems like a fine counselor herself, but her intern was the one I always got scheduled with... Her intern was even worse than this guy, to be honest. :-/

But, it's not so much that he's thinking of transferring me that bothers me. It's everything he said about the way I am, that nobody would like me for the way I am, and agreeing that it doesn't matter if the church I go to treats me like dirt... >_> And the fact that he said he'd have a "problem" seeing me if I left the church is also bothering me. It makes sense, but he shouldn't just leave me hanging if leaving is best for me. I'm not an official member of the church anyway (only my mom is), I just attend it.

I'm in college but I'm not taking classes right now. I've been needing to take a big math test for scores to get into math classes. :-/ I've been waiting for a paper from my counselor to get into Students With Disabilities before taking the test, but I left it with him weeks ago and he *still* hasn't gotten back with me with it... *sigh*

I was also hoping for more counseling/encouragement/advice before taking the test (since it's a test I can take any time), but at this rate, that probably won't happen. Guess I'll just study and try to convince myself that I can take care of this...

Here's a friendly reminder when you do find a new place to visit: Smile when you meet new people, it helps break the ice!

You know? A friend of mine told me pretty much the same thing on the phone earlier today when I was talking about what I was going through... This can't be a coincidence! Thank you!

[ABlipinTime]

Not sure why Krillz and Kitsune are defending your goth clothing, since you said already that your clothing didn't change people's opinions.

From what I gather... well, I don't really. It's hard to say given that it appears you've only given us a conversation between you and your councilor, which apparently doesn't have all the details of your situation. Not that you could provide them - You can't actually read peoples' minds to see what they are thinking of you. Everyone has a different reason. Maybe alot of people are being sheep - i.e. just following one or a few peoples' negative impression of you. They don't like you being different? idk. Can't say. But what I can say is that I'll be praying for you. Don't think about others' opinions so much as God's. If God wants you in that church, don't close the book on Him. Maybe things will get better and you'll be able to change peoples' opinion of you - and their own focus in general. Maybe God wants you to shift their focus. Or maybe you can take this time to learn to deal with people you don't like. I'm just trying to see the positive things you can get out of this. Hope it helps.

[mysngoeshere56]

I think they're defending the clothes to be supportive and tell me that they agree that it's not why I was being treated the way I was, since the counselor wouldn't listen to me when I tried to say so.

And yeah, I think "a lot of people being sheep" is a big part of it, since it was a pretty consistent pattern that happened no matter how many new kids came to the school/church. :-/

And thanks. I'm thinking that the next time I see my counselor, I'll tell him how I honestly feel about what he said. I had an appointment with him this past week, but I cancelled it because something else that was added my mom's schedule at the last minute conflicted... Granted, she could've still taken me and would've just been a little late, but the bigger reason was because I honestly didn't want to see him yet. I was (and am) still pretty upset, and I didn't want to face him until I cooled down a little. I told her that, and she fully understood.

I'm somewhat debating sending him a message on Facebook to tell him how I honestly feel, but I'm wondering if talking face-to-face might be a better option. I'm not sure yet.. But if things don't go well when I try to be honest with him about what he said, I'm thinking I'll go to the senior pastor about all this. :-/

[Atria35]

^ I honestly feel that when you feel that someone's done you wrong, then they deserve to hear it from you face to face. This should be doubly so when it's a professional who's supposed to be helping you.

[ABlipinTime]

Just my opinion: I think speaking to him face to face would probably be better, despite how uncomfortable it feels. I'm not saying this to suggest you do things the hard way, but you never really know how seriously people will take it if you tell them via Facebook.

[mysngoeshere56]

Well, in order to give you guys my update, I'll have to give you this piece of information I left out of my first post...

Basically, upon leaving that meeting, I left a piece of paper for my college with him. He and his supervisor had to sign it, so I could get some help with college and be listed as a student with a disability.

I sent him a message on Facebook asking if he'd heard from his supervisor. Then, he sent me a message telling me he was currently on vacation out of the country... Okay, leaving the country without telling somebody who's waiting on a document from you? :-/ Very unprofessional, if you ask me...

Anyway, I messaged him again once I was sure he was back, and he told me that he spoke with his supervisor, who wouldn't sign the paper. When I asked why, he that his supervisor said it was because the diagnosis wouldn't call for any special accommodations from the university... And of course, it took him weeks to tell me that much, even when I contact him first? :-/

So, I decided to just be honest with him... I told him that I felt like he was only half-listening to anything I said, because regardless of whether or not major depression would be a cause to get special treatment, I also told him on multiple occasions that I do think I could have some symptoms of PTSD and/or test anxiety. I'm sure that at least one of these would call for special testing accommodations, at the very least (and he even told me so himself). I also informed him of how I spoke with my college and told them of my diagnosis, and they told me to bring them the paper signed and then they'd tell me what they could do for me. I'd take the word of the college itself over the word of a supervisor who hasn't even supervised a single meeting with this specific counselor (he's not a fully-licensed professional yet, but he's a registered state health counseling intern with a PhD, has a supervisor, and will be fully licensed in October... if that doesn't make sense to you, it doesn't to me either - that's just what he's told me).

I also let the cat out of the bag, and pretty much went over what he said to me in the last meeting, and then told him everything from my perspective (pretty much what I told all of you guys)... How he felt about things? I'm not sure. But at this point, I'm pretty much sure that I'm done with him. I'm going to look for a new counselor soon.

If you guys could pray for my mom and me, I'd appreciate it greatly. This has all been really stressful on us, and we could really use your prayers...

My mom's going to a women's encounter that's coming up soon (the weekend after this coming one) because the senior pastor's wife offered to pay her way, and she's debating talking with her (the senior pastor's wife) while she's there. When my mom first started attending the church, the senior pastor always spoke about how it's important to integrate everybody into the church and try to make everybody feel welcome and loved... So, she knows that he wouldn't appreciate pastors and counselors saying/doing the things they've said/done to me. So, if he's not going to take my honesty well, then my mom's thinking she'll probably say something to the senior pastor's wife while she's at the encounter. The senior pastor is the leader of the church (other than God, of course), so she and I feel that he deserves to be informed if his employees are acting this way.

[Darth_Kirby]

Well, I will certainly continue to keep you in my prayers. I hope that the senior pastor is more understanding and I pray that God will give you favor with him.

[Magicman7200]

I'll be praying

[Nami]

*hugs Sno tightly* My word. I'm so sorry I didn't see this until now. This is a terrible situation. But it sounds like you are doing what is best. ^_^ Indeed, I should think that Senior Pastor would be miffed to find that his employees aren't following the standards he has set up for them. As for your counselor, I'm glad you are done with him. Sounds like a real piece of jerk-meat. I'm praying for you buddy! Just, let me know if you ever need anything. O.K.?

[Wrave]

Praying....