Pray for me...

[airichan623]

So, I feel really really selfish for doing this...but I've discovered the wonders of prayer.

in a nutshell: I'm getting...depressed. very depressed. Everything feels like this sometimes, but its gotten really bad... nothing really makes me happy. my usual interests bore me. My grades, which are usually pretty good, are falling, not because of bad school work, but just plain laziness and lack of motivation to do it on time. I'm bordering on failing two classes: AP Lit and Chemistry, and I love lit. The only thing I've been able to do really is draw, and write depressing poetry, watch anime, cry, rinse, repeat. And a couple times, I've seriously considered cutting- but I know what happens to people when they do, so I didnt. I wanted/want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. I don't want to live, and I've had some suicidal thoughts.
Probably the hardest part is nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me that, "No one needs you. No one wants you. Go away. They won't miss you if you leave. or if you just disappear. They always will tell you otherwise, because theyre nice people." Anime-Stereotypical as it sounds, I don't have a 'reason for living.'
I'm stuck in this pre-college rut of "I can't be anything great. I'm only ordinary. That's it. There is nothing more. You'll never be more than this." It doesn't help that I keep getting the feeling that, even though I'm a senior, I'm not meant to lead, though I desperately want to. [spoiler]In my show choir, I've looked forward to being a 'group leader,' at the very least in moral support and seniority control. But a group of juniors stepped in before I had a chance, and whenever I tried to contribute, I got this constant look/ feel of "Go away. You're annoying. That's just plain stupid." behind the 'smiles.' I waited 4 years to do this, and I was able to do nothing to help (the season is about to end). Then I turned to another one of my favorite things: theater. I tried out for the play, I was excited to find out I had a part. But it all turned to bitterness: turns out, I'm essentially a chorus member with a name for relationship purposes. I have no lines. They later added my line. 2 words. Even my freshman sister has more of a part than I do. I didn't expect the lead, but I wanted at least to be a minor character, not chorus. Its a hard hit to the ego when you started theater in 6th grade with a lead role, and are leaving high school with a chorus member background role.[/spoiler] (putting this rant in spoiler in order to save people time.)

And it doesnt help that I keep having 'post-depression flashback-thingies' of last year, and the issue with my druggie friend and my ex. Or that I totaled my car. Or that my parents are mad that I keep slacking when they're preparing to spend lots of money sending me to college.
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I've talked to my parents about all of this, but I needed to let all this out. Any advice? I realize I'm being extremely selfish, but I'm have a hard time accepting life.

[bkilbour]

I will.

[Furen]

Awwww, well remember we really do love you Airi! You're like one of the most amazing people I've encountered in my lifetime. ♥ I'm (and I'm sure others are) here for you.

If you want to rant, feel free to send me a message, I'll respond

[Atria35]

Praying. You're a great person.

I definitely think that you should go to one of the school counselors. They might be able to help in some way, at least with the emotional issues that you've been having. I suspect that you aren't the first (or the last!) senior with depression and motivation issues.

[Ella Edric]

I know exactly how you feel, girl. But if it means anything, I need you. *sounds cheesy* Please, PM me airi if you need me. I'm here for you.

[ABlipinTime]

"pre-college rut"? I've got a similar (not quite) situation (my prob is just procrastination, though, which is apparently diff than yours). I'm surviving due to God. I suggest you focus on Him. Entrust all your worries to Him. I recall a phrase my dad mentioned awhile back: "Sleep well because you got done that day what God knew you would get done." In the end, we're all going to leave this earth and it won't matter what our accomplishments were. All that rambling was just to say there's no need to cry. Cheer up. You're in God's hands. I'll be praying for you!

[TopazRaven]

I'll be praying for you! And for what its worth, I don't think you're being selfish at all. There comes a time when all of us need to rant or let it out to others. I hope things get better for you soon. I know what depression feels like.

[TheMewster]

You're [color="Red"]NOT[/color] being selfish. I feel depressed sometimes too, so I can relate. But I just prayed for you Airi-chan! I think CAA has helped me deal with and be more open about my depression and I hope it does that to you too. God bless you!

[Hiryu]

I love you.

[TGJesusfreak]

=( *hugs Airi* Hey, I'm praying for you. Everyone has those thoughts. Just fight them. I garuntee if you left this world a whole BUNCH of us would care. Me included. Just keep fighting. and if you ever need someone to talk to PM me.

[Lynna]

*hugs* I'll be praying!
And your life does have a purpose! God has a plan for you, you just don't know it yet!
Please PM me if you want to talk

[steenajack]

Hey Ari, I can relate a bit. I've been through some similar stuff before. *hugs* One thing that helped me was just putting my trust in God with my whole life. Everything. It's easier said than done, but that's something that helped me a great deal.
Also, another thing, you do have a purpose in life. Really. God loves you so much, and you're surrounded by many people who love you. And hey, even though I don't know you so well, I love you like I would a sister in Christ.
Don't give up in life. Things may be hard right now, but keep pressing forward. Don't give up no matter what. God will always be there for you, even if it feels like He's not there, He is. Ready to hold you in His arms. He love you Ari!
And you're not being selfish. If you have an issue/need advice about something, don't be afraid to ask. Everyone needs to rant a little now and then. Hey, I'll be praying for you Ari. *hugs*
Don't give up.

[TheMewster]

Yeah. I love you, and so does everyone on CAA! God bless you!

[airichan623]

I definitely think that you should go to one of the school counselors. They might be able to help in some way, at least with the emotional issues that you've been having. I suspect that you aren't the first (or the last!) senior with depression and motivation issues.

Thanks. I'll do that.

I'm surviving due to God. I suggest you focus on Him. Entrust all your worries to Him. I recall a phrase my dad mentioned awhile back: "Sleep well because you got done that day what God knew you would get done." In the end, we're all going to leave this earth and it won't matter what our accomplishments were. All that rambling was just to say there's no need to cry. Cheer up. You're in God's hands. I'll be praying for you!

Wow... I love that quote. I think I'm gonna go follow that in a couple minutes.

I love you.

:') You have no idea how much that means to me.

=( *hugs Airi* Hey, I'm praying for you. Everyone has those thoughts. Just fight them. I garuntee if you left this world a whole BUNCH of us would care. Me included. Just keep fighting.

*hugs back*

Also, another thing, you do have a purpose in life. Really. God loves you so much, and you're surrounded by many people who love you. And hey, even though I don't know you so well, I love you like I would a sister in Christ.
Don't give up in life. Things may be hard right now, but keep pressing forward. Don't give up no matter what. God will always be there for you, even if it feels like He's not there, He is. Ready to hold you in His arms. He love you Ari!

Thanks so much you guys. You guys all rock. I wish everyone had a community like this.

This really helps a lot, especially since a guy I really really liked (kindly) rejected me when he found out (didnt want him to find out) that I liked him. It was kinda a hard blow at the time. but I love you all.

[Nate]

Rejection is never a fun thing. :\ Hope you get through it quickly.

[Sapphire225]

I can relate after being in a somewhat similar situation. I'll pray for you.

[steenajack]

I can relate as well. I'll be praying for you girl!

[TGJesusfreak]

Still praying for you Airi. I'm sorry about the rejection though ... =( I know that feeling.

and i can honestly say i love you Airi. You have a good heart. A good soul. You're kind caring and considerate. We all love you.