A rather strange time in my life

[Jingo Jaden]

Now, for those of you that now. I don't have a habit of putting up prayer threads. I don't have too much of a habit about complaining on my personal situations either, as I consider myself unworthy to be complaining about anything, yet, tensions have risen to a certain point in my life, and let me try to formulate this in a way that grants a perspective over my weird situation.

Now, the last four months have been hard. I mean really hard on me. I've never worked as intensely on something before and I've done more than 7 exams a week with very low study time and passed them with flying colors. I've been critiqued/criticized to near death on the early stage of my project all the way up until the very end, in which case I got praised. Now, I've had quite a few personal issues going out of control during this time as well, but largely, it's been work related. Now, logic, or at least common sense dictates that I should be a happy man now that a hardship ended with a sunset attached too it. Enjoying and relaxing after 4 months of chaos, yet somehow, I am not. I find myself more angry, bitter and with a darker outlook on life, my regular one is also quite dark, but justifiably so I'd dare say. I am not contemplating nihilism or anything like that, but for some reason, things have crashed down to such a point which has challenged my sanity at times. I'd dare say that my relationship with God is not changed for the negative in any way, yet, for some reason that is hard for me to interpenetrate. I feel more incomplete than ever, and I got friends that are actively supporting me, aiding me and overall going out of their ways trying to make me into a better person. I am, at the bottom of my heart, extremely thankful for this and I feel the desired progress is sub-par to what they deserve.

So, with my relationship with God being active and unharmed despite my current predicament. Things mostly looking up at this point on nearly all regions after a very turbulent downturn, be it with justified improvements work-related and all this. I still feel as if I've missed something VERY important. As if I've forgotten or abandoned a duty that needed to be fulfilled. By no means am I angry at anyone on CAA 'You guys are the best, seriously.' I feel angry at myself. Not just angry due to knowledge of how limited I am in the big picture, but angry due to a factor I have yet to fully identify. This time, it is not just reaching a normal low-point people sometimes do every couple of years. It's something really active, burning inside me and frankly driving me nuts when logic dictates I should be enjoying myself and feel happy of my accomplishments. Now, while I am content work improvement-wise. I feel it is even worse is that I've tried to connect with God to the best of my humble ability in praying for situations that some of my friends have, however simple or dire they might be prove, and also, felt rather charitable as of late, factors that are supposed to in retrospect make one feel better, somehow now does not substitute in any way emptiness which I sometimes feel. It's not like my downtime has not had it's fair share of good things happen. Been eventful in any manner of speaking, but again, it falls down to the point were I just feel wrong in so many ways, as if I've done something horrible, yet, this time of my life, I don't think I rightly have. It is not as if I am marshaling some type of standard here, as God knows my contributions are abysmal. Which has put me into theorizing why my current situation seems so abridged.

Now, I won't be asking for anyone to psychoanalyze me. God only knows how claustrophobic all this seems. In fact, I think a short prayer would be good. Not necessarily about me feeling better as it is rather immaterial, but that I somehow come out as a better man regardless of how the chips fall. I got another future project coming up, which seems challenging to say the least. A side note to God on aiding me with this would also be very appreciated. However, at current, I am in an incredibly complex situation, as I seem to function just fine during some regular hardships, but somehow, something has left quite an impression on me and I find myself unable to identify it. Regular flaws such as being having a short temperament is nothing new as far as I can register things, wishing anyone, anything other than the absolute best is however quite unlike me. Now, thoughts like that can hit like impulses, and it is uncomfortable frankly. For someone who is plagued by having ill thoughts of God come up at random, I'd rather not see it spread to people that stay close to me.

All I will be requesting is a short prayer. Good wishes count as well in my book. I thank God that I know a good deal of you here on CAA as you've truly been amazing and I wish I could display myself as something slightly better than a wreck of what I can be.

[Atria35]

Praying! And good luck on the upcoming project!

[goldenspines]

*hugs* I'll be praying, Jaden.

[christianfriend]

I'll be sending prayers your way my friend.

[Nanao]

praying for you as well, Jaden.

[Tsukuyomi]

You konw I'll be praying as well

[ABlipinTime]

hmm... That's... peculiar, should I say? I'm sure God's got a reason for it, but I'm unable to tell you why that is. I'll certainly be praying for you, though.

[Kaligraphic]

Got your back, bro.

[Jingo Jaden]

Things have improved quite a bit during a rather short time. I must thank you all who have taken time to pray. There is still some ways to go before things return to normal, but it seems entirely plausible that there will be a sunset attached to this situation.

[agasfas]

I will keep you in my prayers.

[Jingo Jaden]

Might as well revive this.

Ok, so, earlier today. I got a message saying that the family dog, whom I have known for over 15 years passed away. It was an old Belgian sheepdog who had a fur complexity. It was both a jealous and very lovable dog who showed a lot of affection. Not the most disciplined dog I've ever known, but he was extremely strong in more than one way. Jumping up to greet members of his family just about every day.

I am very thankful to God for this important gift in my life. Although the sadness has been significant. I've also got a sense of pride and relief as the passing was not a bad one. It is however also as the loss of a family member I've known for pretty much as long as I can remember, so needless to say my heart is heavy at this point.

[Atria35]

That's so sad! I hate it when pets pass away- they're special members of the family. I'm glad to hear his passing was okay.

[Tsukuyomi]

Sorry to her that I remember seeing him walking by behind you once XD

Losing a pet is like losing a member of one's family.. I'll definitely be praying

[goldenspines]

:< I'm sorry to hear that. *hugs* You're still in my prayers. <3
I recall several times when you talked about how lovable and awesome your dog was. But, I'm glad it had a brilliant life with you and your family though. It was lucky to have someone care about them as much as you did. :3

[Jingo Jaden]

I am sad to report I've entered into a state of mind that could probably equal a mini-depression. A variety of factors contribute to this. Having very hard work conditions, the loss of dear family pet and sleep issues. It does affect my work-rate and my overall mood, and while I am alright at some parts of the day, at other times I am exceptionally limited. I feel no sense of spiritual problems aside from my lackluster performances in the arena of virtue, but it does not help that I might have to liquidate a holiday just to get the work-rate sorted.

I'd apologize if I seem a bit off these days, because I probably am. :/

[Vega]

I'll be praying for you Jaden